Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp