My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.