No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
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When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.