Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
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Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife