due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
You Might Also Like
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.