GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.