Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
what’s more important?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Yup….perfect score!
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…