If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet