I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Had to try this trend 😊
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks