My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Girl, same.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.