Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
You Might Also Like
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
the prophecies have been fulfilled
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out