I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here