First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.