Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Sing it!
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew