[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
You Might Also Like
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.