[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.