[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
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My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
When you let grandma cat sit
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
North and South
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down