Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
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My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
bought wrong eggs
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.