One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Body by cheese-puffs.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag