yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
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Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.