The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous