80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement