You Might Also Like
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Broom by every window for quick escape.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Sing it!
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”