WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.