‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers