[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
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When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*