*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.