Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo