Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.


“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December


Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey


Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.


“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers


People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.


You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.