Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Tastes like chicken.
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[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE