Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Can’t, holding a grudge
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.