Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Kids, do not try this at home!
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*