@noog

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

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@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@PS_IRuddYou

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

@JimGaffigan

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

@SandyDanto

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

@LeonEarlgrey

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

@JustMug

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@TheFirstDudish

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

@slimmy_shady

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.