@dumbbeezie

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

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@thepatrickwalsh

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

@CruisinSoozan

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

@TweetPotato314

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

@TheCatWhisprer

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

@markydoodoo

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

@JohnLyonTweets

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

@topaz_kell

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”