How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”


Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.


Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!


Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.


me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it


*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*


Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.


That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.


Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.


Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.


“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”