How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”