I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”