Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
You Might Also Like
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.