TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
my one true gender
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
That de-escalated quickly
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning