I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Smooooooth
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!