My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
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I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit