Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
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I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”