Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
do horses think humans are hats
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.