One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
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me after drinking all the wine:
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Snapes on a plane.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot