One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.