Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Some people were born into their job.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!