Some people were born into their job.
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this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.