My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
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WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
TODAY
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
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Me: Same.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*