I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
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“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Isn’t
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.