“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
sin harder.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo