It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
It’s an epidemic…
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.