My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.