Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
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Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
bought wrong eggs