Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
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I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Omg 🤣
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Brother?