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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Not all heroes wear capes…
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun