Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You Might Also Like
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.