@cathisamazing

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

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@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

@TopherKearby

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@RocketRankoon

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

@De_ja_vu_who

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

@Lisabug74

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

@riesypiecey

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@david8hughes

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.