I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”