Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*